It was never my intention to become either of these things, but that’s how it’s turned out. And I don’t really know exactly how – or if I did know how, if I would change it.
What I would like to change, however, is the automatic revulsion I feel whenever I enter an organizedly “Christian” setting.
Revulsion may not be the right word. Plastic doesn’t quite fit my purposes either. It’s really hard to describe without coming back to the fact that I’m a cynical skeptic. (after looking up the definitions to both of these words, I’ve concluded that I’m more of a skeptic than a cynic. But I do have some cynical tendencies)
Part of the problem may be rooted in the fact that I was raised in a fairly typical Christian conservative tradition. Having now grown into my mid-twenties, I see the traditions and viewpoints of that upbringing to be “childish.” I’ve grown past that point, I tell myself, there must be something more - a deeper understanding, an actual purpose beyond that which I’ve been drilled on since I can remember.
Besides that, life is exhausting enough as it is without trying to figure out metaphysical truths. Work, friends, school, volunteering….all of it takes up time. Church takes time too. Time that I know I should carve out, because what is it worth to gain the world, but lose your soul, right?
*sigh* Right.
The thing is, I don’t feel like I’m losing my soul. I feel like I’m finally in a place where I’ve found it. Things are falling into place.
Except for those few little things that are supposed to be more important than anything else. So what am I supposed to do?
