When I was young, couldn't wait to grow up, get away and get out on my own
And looking back now, ain't it funny how, I've been trying to get back home...
I am a remarkably messed up individual. When fall comes around, I get all nostalgic in a happy way - anticipating snow and cold and cuddling under a blanket with a good book after going outside. Most people hate winter and get depressed with the mandatory extra work of digging their cars out of the snow. I get depressed in spring time when all I can think is "if it's this hot now, what's it going to be like in a couple of months?" I hate heat and humidity.
Or maybe I hate that I can't wear a sleeveless shirt in the humid heat without feeling like a legged Jabba the Hut from Star Wars.
I am irritated at myself for being irritated without actually changing anything. For trying to change it and failing. For not being further along than I am now, and for not really having a clear goal of where I'd like to be and what "further along" actually looks like. Married? Kids? Can't say that I don't want it, but neither can I say that I feel that's what I'm missing. It's deeper than that - and I hate thinking of "marriage and children" as checkmarks to be obtained on a list of "Things Successful Grown-ups Have" They're not things, they're people.
*sigh*
I can't see any way out of where I am. And where I am isn't even really bad, it's just not what I want. I want to live in the country and raise horses. How I'm going to do that when I'm a fat girl with little mechanical knowledge and not really any savings account is beyond me.
Life is tiring lately. I feel like I can't get enough sleep even if I stay in bed all day.
